Life Happens For Me, Not To Me (Part Four)

Great Morning Ya'll!

Today will be part four of the long story on how I first learned the lesson, "Life Happens For Me, Not To Me."

Full transparency, this was a painful one to write and I assume would be a painful one to read.

I completely understand if that's not something you feel like you want to bring into your day today,

so I completely understand if you want to skip this one...

If you haven't yet read the past few letters, I recommend doing so before reading today's.

For Part One, click here.

For Part Two, click here.

For Part Three, click here.

THE PAIN

Now reality sets in...

Where am I?

Why did I do this?

I don't know anyone,

my girlfriend won't be here for months.

I can barely move my body.

Everyone who is nice to me are just those who I'm paying.

I don't even know how the money works,

I don't know how to get around,

I don't know what I'm going to do with my life,

why did I just leave my golden opportunity?

Why did I just move to a third world country?

I'm alone.

I'm scared.

I want to go home.

Then, I get a call from my girlfriend...

She's sobbing on the other line...

In between every tear, she lets out another word.

She begins to say...

"Last night, while at the hotel, I got drunk and then I...

I slept with a guy from the hotel."

I froze.

Time around me ceased to exist.

I was absolutely shocked.

Someone who I loved,

who I trusted the most,

who I was planning the next chapter of my life with...

just betrayed me.

After the longest, most painful moment of silence I've ever taken,

I somehow mustered up the courage to be calm.

No time for asking questions,

all I needed was space.

I said something to the tune of...

"Okay. We're done then. Goodbye.”

Immediately after hanging up the phone,

I felt such pain and agony,

I just rolled on the ground,

sobbing for what felt like hours.

Something like this had never happened to me before.

Not only that, it came at a time when I felt most lost,

the least in control.

I often wonder how different it would have felt if I were still in my old American environment...

If I just had my best friend in the room across the hall,

like I did weeks ago.

If I could have just played some basketball,

or played some video games,

or could have just worked in my old business while going through this.

I thought having those things,

those distractions,

everything I'm familiar with,

would have made it so much easier.

But no...

Here I am,

completely alone,

in a third world country,

with nothing or no one to go to,

unable to move my body,

laying on the tile,

in an immense amount of physical,

and now emotional pain.

Yelling out into the void...

"How could she do this to me?"

"Why me?"

"Why now?"

"I've done so much for her."

"I've treated her better than anyone ever has."

"What's wrong with her?"

"She's the one that gave me the confidence to move here.

What do I do now?"

"I'm scared."

"I miss my family."

"I miss my friends."

"I miss her."

THE SUPPORT

Man, I'm truly so blessed.

A few hours after the call,

I felt like calling a good friend of mine from high school.

This friend had always been, and always will be, a little sister to me.

I remember it so well...

She answered the phone while in the car with her boyfriend at the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru.

I'm often the calm one in my relationships,

but that definitely wasn't the case for this call.

She immediately picks up the phone and can sense the anxiety and pain coming through the other line.

My friend, Olivia, handled it like a true professional.

She sat there and just listened.

Just let me speak,

occasionally throwing in the occasional "I understand."

It was exactly what I needed in that moment.

I felt seen and heard.

It felt like all the important women in my life had taken a course on how to help me through this…

My mother,

my aunt,

my friend Olivia,

and another childhood friend.

Knew exactly what to say,

and embraced this new,

vulnerable side of me that they've never seen before.

They all shared the same message...

It's okay to be sad,

It's okay to be angry,

It's okay to be scared.

While also sharing that my (now ex-girlfriend)

is a good person,

who just made a bad decision.

She made a mistake.

She's human, just like the rest of us.

It was exactly what I needed to hear,

or else I would have made a villain out of her.

TIME PASSES

The next few weeks felt like a blur.

I was still not able to physically move that well,

despite the gash on my abdomen healing fast.

It felt like I was having daily therapy sessions,

either with a real therapist,

or with the people I listed above.

I often think about how differently I would have set up my life so that this would have been an easier process,

like committing something to outside of me,

something that served others....

But it's clear now that this month of pure reflection,

coupled with physical and emotional healing,

was necessary.

I started to feel much better.

I started to navigate through the physical pain of the gash,

getting myself to go to the beach, to the gym,

and starting to dip my toe into the Bali community.

I was starting to feel like myself again.

Well... at least most days.

Other days I'd just veg out in the small little shack,

convincing the host to get more powerful internet,

helping me play Xbox all day.

I entered this season,

similar to a year prior when I had mono,

to where half of the days,

I could function like a normal human.

Other days,

I would feel crippled by my physical and emotional pain,

barely able to get out of bed.

OPENING PANDORA'S BOX

The unique thing about this time was that,

not only would I be thinking about what happened between myself and my ex-girlfriend,

but a bunch of smaller things from my childhood began to rise to the surface.

It was like it opened up this Pandora's box of unresolved experiences,

having me confront everything I've swept under the rug.

The things that I've never told a single soul about...

They were all coming to me throughout the day, and in my dreams,

as if I was living them again.

I was so confused...

But the more I cried,

the more I allowed myself to be angry,

the better I felt.

It was so confronting,

but after I'd remember,

and after I'd often cry about it,

it felt as if it no longer affected me.

I couldn't really describe the feeling at the time,

but in some weird way,

I felt lighter than ever before.

All of the terrible shit that was coming up to the surface...

After I cried about it,

or talked about it,

it began to go away.

I felt like I was finally forgiving people that I've had grudges against my whole life,

including my ex-girlfriend who cheated on me.

In some weird way... I was beginning to understand.

WE WEREN'T DONE

Even to this day, I often contemplate whether what I'm about to say was coming from fear,

or coming from love....

But I felt as if my time with my ex-girlfriend wasn't complete.

I had some weird feeling that she wasn't going to be my person,

but I felt like we needed to be back together...

I often ask...

Am I only saying this because I don't have that many friends on the island?

Am I trying to latch onto something or someone familiar?

Is this some type of trauma bonding?

Is this what happens when people stick with those that have hurt them?

I don't know WTF is going on,

but I have this feeling that we're not done.

This led me to the point of being open to seeing her again...

At least just to talk about everything that happened, to get some closure...

Literally as I'm getting this thought, now that months have passed....

I get a text from her...

"My plane just landed."

I text back...

"Send me your address, I'm coming over."

CONCLUSION

This is when the lessons start to make themselves clear.

More on exactly what I've learned from this experience,

and how it was a catalyst for completely shaping how I view the world,

in the next edition of The Love Letters (Part Five).

Thank you for reading this deep, vulnerable letter.

My intention in sharing my stories is to give you permission to honor yours.

That's it for today.

I hope you know that you are loved and enough.

See you tomorrow,

I unconditionally love you all.

-Cameron Hogan