The Safer We Feel, The Faster We’ll Go

Great Morning Ya'll!

I recently realized why I felt restricted sharing my stories for years and what finally freed me.

INVISIBLE HANDCUFFS

I remember when I was 12 years old,

and I was having a sleepover with my best friend, David.

This happened often.

A handful of times a month we'd spend the entire day swimming, playing basketball in the driveway,

then we'd have my parents pick us up one of our favorite meals from a local restaurant,

as we'd play our favorite video game, NBA2k on the Xbox.

This game was awesome.

It perfectly emulates the rosters and attributes of real-life NBA players,

It made us feel like we were living our basketball dreams through the joystick and buttons.

One Saturday, David decided to show me funny YouTube videos instead.

At this time, YouTube was foreign to me.

That night, David opened my eyes to the fact that anyone can create and upload a video for the entire world to view.

Although we used it to watch Kevin Hart comedy specials,

A lightbulb went off in my head about how powerful this YouTube thing can actually be.

Then came along Instagram and Snapchat,

(both also shown to me by David),

and I knew that it was going to be big.

Even at that age, I thought to myself....

"Okay, so if Kevin Hart can make a joke,

and Logan Paul can create a vlog,

both recorded on their iPhone,

that can be seen by millions of people,

instantly..."

Oh shit. The world is about to change.

This is awesome.

I remember this one night, after having experienced these apps for the first time only a few days before...

I sat down determined to make a post about my favorite topic in the world,

NBA Basketball.

Kevin Durant lost to LeBron James and the Miami Heat in The Finals.

I wanted to share how great Russell Westbrook played and why they needed to run it back next year.

I remember holding up my phone to my face,

My hands started to shake…

I hit the record button, and then it immediately felt like a cat bit my tongue.

I couldn't say a single word.

I couldn't allow myself to express what I believed to be true...

That underestimating Russell Westbrook will be the single greatest mistake in sports history.

As a passionate 12-year-old, this felt like a world-changing realization.

But the words wouldn't leave my mouth...

I thought to myself...

"What would Holly, the cute cheerleader, say?"

"What if people make fun of my speech impediment?"

"What if my favorite teachers, like Mr. Rankin or Mr. Cherry, see this?"

"What if this is seen by millions of people?"

"What if the biggest commentator in the world, Stephen A. Smith, disagrees with me?"

"What if people see this, and somehow find my address, then come over to fight me? I know this is like the most controversial thing in the world."

I asked myself a million of these questions, all resulting in my hands being tied,

unable to press the record button.

This behavior continued for YEARS.

As I began to evolve in age and maturity, the topics in which I wanted to speak upon did too.

In my mid-teens, I became obsessed with everything personal finance.

In a world that portrayed money to be so complicated, I wanted to make it simple for everyone.

I created websites, emails, and even Excel spreadsheets that would help people budget.

I did everything, besides pressing record.

Although I now realized that not that many people would care,

knowing that no one would come to my house and fight me over a video called,

"How To Invest In The S&P 500".

The fear towards creating videos for the world to see was still alive and real.

It's like that one thing we all have....

Even if the rest of life is going well,

like we were getting good grades,

loved playing sports,

had some good friends,

but we're not doing the one thing we've always wanted to do...

It makes us feel less happy and fulfilled.

When we're avoiding our calling,

the rest of our blessings feel diluted.

That was a popular feeling over the last decade of my life...

I still felt restrained.

I was wearing invisible handcuffs.

IT EVOLVED

A few years later, while I was in college,

I finally had the courage to press record, then eventually press publish.

I created a handful of personal finance videos, under the name,

"Cam Hogan Financial"

but I was visibly super uncomfortable on camera.

I also refused to share them with anyone I knew, and never had the audacity to market them.

A few years later, while living in Bali,

Still afraid to share my own thoughts and experiences with the world,

I thought...

"Well, at least I can have conversations with others, and give them the platform to share with the world.

That's pretty much like as if I was sharing my own perspective, right?"

Wrong.

I did about 12 episodes for the Question Everything podcast,

before I realized that it's all just a deviation from doing the work I've known I've always wanted to do...

Share my own voice, on authentic, vulnerable topics.

Even saying that last sentence, part of me is like...

"Ewww, why would I voluntarily be vulnerable for the world to see?"

Because it's what people need.

In a world full of fake,

people are yearning for something real.

They're yearning for us to be human again, not robots.

And no matter how badly I would try to avoid it, I always knew that I'm here to help make that a reality.

But the invisible handcuffs and mouth tape were stopping me from doing so.

WHY WAS THIS HAPPENING?

I had a never-ending laundry list of reasons why I shouldn't post.

Reasons to justify inaction.

All of which I knew were bullshit,

but couldn't get myself to actually do it.

To freely express myself in the public eye.

But why?

Why couldn't I just not care what people thought?

Why would I deeply analyze and critique every photo of myself before I'd hit "post" on Instagram?

Why would I second guess every word that I said, right before publishing a video?

Both resulting in either never posting it,

or only posting something that was heavily filtered and critiqued?

Why couldn't it just be seen as my perfectly imperfect self?

It's because I didn't feel safe.

I didn't feel worthy.

I wasn't prepared for people's opinions, especially from the people I loved,

because they would break the faulty foundation that holds the house of my identity.

The house of my self-worth.

Why was this the case?

My self-love depended on whether those I loved unconditionally loved me back.

If my mom, dad, uncle, aunt, cousins, high school friends, college buddies, family friends, Bali friends, and social media friends didn't approve...

It would shatter the carefully constructed identity I spent my entire life building.

But this is a trap...

This is the Matrix.

Programming us to base our self-love on the love we receive from others.

Every commercial we see,

every news headline,

nearly every conversation,

is trying to convince us that fear and scarcity is how the world works.

Subconsciously leading us all to believe that we must be a certain way, to be safe.

To survive.

Advertising has tapped into our primal minds,

convincing us that stepping out of line,

not conforming to being a certain way,

can lead to being cast out by the entire tribe.

A death sentence to our primal minds.

This is why my hand would shake and my voice would stutter every time I tried to post,

or present a school or work project.

Being real, authentic, and vulnerable feels like life or death to so many.

In this world,

expressing oneself,

the most human thing we can do,

feels like it threatens our survival.

Gaining this awareness, mostly through meditation,

(and psychedelics, hehe)

Has made it clear to me that feeling unsafe when sharing the truth about our life,

is an irrational thought.

It's an illusion of fear that has been placed upon all of us,

through a steady stream of carefully curated advertising and schooling,

That has continued to push the falsehood that we aren't naturally worthy of love.

When in reality, our natural state as a human is to deeply love ourselves, and everyone around us.

This is why,

those who watch the news all the time,

eat a lot of fake food,

and see so many personal topics as "off-limits" to talk about,

are the most angry, unfulfilled people we know.

Through no fault of their own,

have been conditioned to love themselves the least.

The more I have vulnerable conversations about real experiences,

and consciously choose to share the things that we've been taught to sweep under the rug,

the happier and more loved I feel.

The happier and more loved I feel towards myself, the more freely I can express my thoughts to the world.

And it has unlocked deeper levels of love for those around me.

This has been a wild journey toward understanding.

For every three steps forward, I took two steps back,

but am now at a point where the love I have for myself can't be taken away by anyone or anything.

It's a level of freedom that must be maintained, and will always be tested.

But I promise...

Facing the thoughts and conversations that we've been avoiding our entire life,

aren't nearly as painful as we may think.

The other side is finally being able to do THE THING.

CONCLUSION

Stories about how I improved self-love and increased love for others will be shared soon.

That's it for today.

I hope you know that you are loved, and enough exactly how you are.

See you tomorrow,

I unconditionally love you all.

-Cameron Hogan