Being Triggered

Great Morning Y'all!

Today I want to share a story about what I experienced last Wednesday while going for a walk.

MORNING WALK

This past Wednesday was a fantastic day.

I followed my usual morning routine: waking up early, writing for a few hours,

and creating one of my favorite editions of The Love Letters.

Like every other day, I then proceeded to go on a 45-minute walk in my neighborhood.

Something felt different about this walk...

Nearly everyone I passed by was more friendly than usual,

waving their hands and greeting each other with the biggest smiles.

I even saw this one woman, walking two dogs that made me stop and say hello for a minute...

She had one dog, a midsize Goldendoodle that looks exactly like the one my parents have at home,

and the other dog looked identical to the small black Pomeranian I had while living in Bali.

What are the odds that one person would have identical versions of the dogs I miss and love the most?

After passing her dogs, the walk felt even more extraordinary and joyful.

This time of year in Austin is incredibly beautiful.

There's flowers blooming and butterflies floating everywhere we look,

always being met with the perfect amount of sunlight as we walk past, sipping a cup of fresh coffee.

It really feels like a scene out of a movie.

Then, all of a sudden,

I see this woman walking directly towards me.

Like the rest of the crowd I passed this morning, she seemed to be in her late 60's.

She wore a large hat and sunglasses, with wired Apple headphones, seemingly absorbed in whatever she was listening to.

She was fully covered in long sleeves and pants, likely for sun protection on this warm day.

She had a walking stick in each hand. Not the ones utilized by people who can barely walk, but the ones used by an experienced hiker.

As I see her coming, I decide to begin walking into the street, so that we wouldn't run into each other on the sidewalk.

The moment she looks up and recognizes me, still being at least 200 feet away,

she immediately darts off her normal path, bolting for the other side of the street.

I didn't think anything of it, assuming that she was just heading to a house on the other side of the road.

As she gets closer, I begin to wave my hand and say good morning.

Here's how it went…

Me:

"Hey, Good mor—"

Old Lady:

(Screaming at the top of her lungs)

"NARCISSIST!"

She yells this without looking in my direction, quickening her pace as if she'd just stumbled upon OJ Simpson.

MY REACTION

I was absolutely shocked.

I didn't say anything back, mostly because I was just at a loss for words,

and also there's nothing good I could ever say to respond in that moment.

The 15 minutes I had left on my walk, I couldn't stop thinking about that interaction.

My first thought, the same thing most of us experience when being insulted, is this internal dialogue of...

"Is she right?"

“Am I a narcissist?”

“Was I being a narcissist to her?”

I felt hurt.

I felt triggered.

I hit a wound within me that was planted many years ago.

I had an ex-girlfriend who, immediately upon me breaking up with her,

called me a narcissist.

That experience still feels permanently engraved in my memory.

After my ex-girlfriend said that, it immediately put me into a state of reflection and shame for weeks.

Just like all neurological variations (or mental disorders), we all have our unique place on the spectrum.

None of us are fully sane, and none of us are insane.

We all adopt a version of reality that helps us cope with our past experiences.

The disorders and the words we use to describe them aren't black and white.

Many of us tend to flow back and forth on the spectrum during certain parts of our life,

never reaching the extremes, and never staying in the same place.

I believe the ex-girlfriend was partially right. Even though I definitely wasn't a textbook narcissist,

I was definitely more selfish back then.

During that time, I lived life in a way that prioritized MY feelings and MY choices.

Since then, I've focused on being more aware of my actions, prioritizing others' needs over my own.

Now, I catch myself when I'm operating from a more selfish place, and I do my best to correct it.

I say all of this because I was taken aback by this stranger's comment.

Now, if she would have yelled, "Midget!" at me, it wouldn't have had any effect.

This is because I'm a 6 foot 2, 200 pound man.

I'm obviously not a midget.

I would have seen that comment as it was…

Irrelevant, and a reflection of her current state.

Knowing that her comment holds no merit, and had nothing to do with me.

I would have immediately burst into laughter.

But she didn't call me a midget, she called me a narcissist.

And that word, because of my past experiences, holds some power over me.

Because of this, it took longer for the reality of the situation to become clear in my mind.

That this elderly woman had no evidence to support what she called me; this was the first time she had ever seen me.

She was making a judgment based on how I look, assuming the worst.

Realizing the mindset someone must have to immediately judge a young, friendly person so harshly,

fills me with immense empathy and compassion for her.

I wish her well in overcoming whatever challenges in her life have led her to adopt such a view towards complete strangers.

I hope one day we can be friends and go on a walk together.

I'm sending much love your way, old lady.

That's it for today.

Thank you to everyone from The Love Letters who signed up for our new positivity project, Great Morning.

We're excited to sprinkle more love and optimism into your life, starting this Monday, August 12th.

If you haven't signed up yet, you can do so here.

It will always be absolutely free.

I hope you know that you are loved and enough.

See you tomorrow,

I unconditionally love you all.

-Cameron Hogan