Life Happens For Me, Not To Me (Part Six)

Great Morning, Y'all!

Today is the finale of the long story on how I first learned the lesson, "Life Happens For Me, Not To Me."

If you haven't yet read the past few letters, I recommend doing so before reading today's.

For Part One, click here.

For Part Two, click here.

For Part Three, click here.

For Part Four, click here.

For Part Five, click here.

IT RAN ITS COURSE

After dating for nearly another 9 months,

my ex-girlfriend and I decided to call it quits.

I think we both just knew it was time.

Too much friction,

too much dependency on my part,

too different worldviews,

and just a future that didn't feel aligned.

But man,

I'm so grateful for everything happening how it should.

I had felt like a completely different person since we had gotten back together 9 months ago.

Even while the breakup was happening,

there was this shared sense of admiration and gratitude for everything that happened.

Even now that we're no longer together, I have nothing but positive things to say about her.

I don't know that she may ever need that I can only help with,

but if that day ever comes, she knows that I'm only a phone call away.

EVERYTHING HAPPENED FOR ME

The biggest gift from this relationship came from rewriting the story about being a victim...

As many of you know, I've worked closely with now hundreds of men, while hosting a weekly Men's Circle.

I've noticed a common theme recently...

The number of men that have had experiences in which they've felt blindsided,

by their girlfriends/spouses suddenly packing up all of their belongings,

and moving out of the house, leaving the relationship.

It's staggering to me how many times this story has been told.

The men can't seem to understand why this happened,

because everything seemed to be going so well.

In their eyes, there were no problems.

What's happening here is that most of us men currently aren't living in the present moment,

therefore we aren't showing up in a way in which our partners need.

Although we've become excellent at putting food on the table and providing for the family,

we've unconsciously neglected the other human needs which our loved ones are craving.

Love, attention, honesty, and loyalty are as necessary as oxygen in our relationships,

but we’re depriving each other of the air we need.

Humans will inevitably leave any area in which they can't fully breathe.

We've become so numb to our own emotions,

that we've been unable to recognize when the emotional needs of a loved one aren't being met.

We are oblivious to the millions of signs that take place before the breakup.

Every human will give signs,

some subtle and many that are apparent,

that display their unease around missing their emotional needs.

(I'll talk about these signs in a future edition of The Love Letters.)

I can see this now because I felt blindsided when cheated on.

I thought, "how is this possible?"

"I was the perfect boyfriend for her."

"How could she do this to me?"

"This is all her fault."

Side Note:

Justifying hurtful behavior is a slippery slope.

Sometimes, we are fully victims of actions driven by the perpetrator.

We are not responsible for extreme abuse inflicted on us.

When there is cheating in a relationship, there are often multiple factors at play.

It often doesn't all come down to some needs not being met by their partner...

People's own undesirable relationship patterns from the past can play a huge role in sabotaging a good relationship...

But what I am saying,

is that in a relationship dynamic, like the one that I was in,

the same one in which dozens of the men in my group have experienced...

Any act, such as abruptly leaving or cheating done to us,

requires a deep level of accountability and reflection to move past it.

What happened is a two-way street.

Reflecting on the experience by asking,

“What made her feel this was her best option?”

is how we end the cycle of toxic relationships that don't serve us.

We will continue to be hurt if we don't identify how and why we keep attracting the same situation in our lives.

Reflection in romantic relationships is how we evolve.

It's the path to becoming the person needed to attract the right partner for us.

I now see where I wasn't showing up for her, prior to being cheated on.

This doesn't justify the act,

but it explains why someone might look elsewhere if their needs are neglected.

A healthy dose of reflection towards,

"what could I have done to make this person feel more safe, loved, and heard?"

is a fantastic question to ask oneself when going through something like this.

It was the key to me moving past it.

It was the key to me regaining the love for someone that hurt me.

Regaining the love for someone who once hurt me allows me to have an open heart for everyone else who enters my life.

A closed heart towards my former girlfriend would affect the love I can give to future loved ones.

Most importantly,

when we reflect like this,

we're able to take these lessons into the next relationship,

ending the cycle of bad behavior.

WHAT I'M MOST GRATEFUL FOR

This relationship happened at the perfect time.

A time in which I had a lot of inner turmoil...

Where I had a strong belief and sense of what I can become,

but deathly afraid to move towards it.

A time where I was destined to finally be a man, rather than a boy,

but was paralyzed by the fear of the first step.

I deeply believe that this relationship catapulted me to become the person I am today.

To be able to fully forgive and love someone that has done me wrong,

while identifying my end of the bargain,

has given me a level of personal accountability,

that now allows for me to show up in the right way for my future wife.

While also teaching me how to guide other men through similar situations.

If I had met the woman I'm with today without having those experiences with my past girlfriend,

I wouldn't have been ready to support her in the ways she needs.

I wouldn't be able to take care of the woman I've always dreamed of having.

CONCLUSION

Through shifting my perspective,

Asking "Why did this happen?"

and, "What could I have done?"

along with, "What is this experience meant to teach me?"

Has allowed me to reach a level of compassion and empathy for everyone involved,

along with learning valuable lessons around how I want to show up for my future family.

I say all this to express my gratitude for everything that has happened to me.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

I see it for what it was: A Lesson.

A lesson needed to help me evolve into the person I am today.

This, just like everything else, happened FOR me.

That wraps up our story.

Thank you to all who have shown so much love and support over the past few days.

I plan to center the majority of Love Letters going forward on the stories that have shaped me into who I am today.

These will focus on how I've increased my self-love and my love for the world around me.

I hope you know that you are loved and enough.

See you tomorrow,

I unconditionally love you all.

-Cameron Hogan